Friday, March 11, 2016

Hello there, friend,

We all piled into the car, the smaller one, on the way to go pick up the other car that was at the shop (again). It was a hard day. My daughter was throwing up all night, my son woke at 5 a.m., and the previous 24 hours brought with it countless challenges regarding both kids. My husband turned up the radio loud enough that we could talk and the kids couldn't hear us.

"This may not surprise you," I said, "but I think most people would be shocked at the state of my inner life right now. My head is swirling." I had spent all afternoon in our bedroom crying, napping, and trying to work through the many layers of the last day. I know we all have bad days and everyone's head swirls at times, but that inner space sometimes takes me over and it's overwhelming. Yesterday I feeling was very overwhelmed.

"No, that doesn't surprise me," he said. "I know you well enough that I can see when you're all in your head. I wish you wouldn't be, but I get it." Then he just listened. He listened to me talk about all of these thoughts I've been having, about how hurt I am by one particular situation I saw coming but couldn't change, about how helpless I feel sometimes, about how I wish I could just move through things without internalizing all the emotions of it.

And we talked about our kids, our daughter in particular who has been facing challenges of her own. "It's so hard because this is just who she is, but I want to help her. I believe this is how God made her, and he gave her to us to raise. But it's just so hard." I held the tears in my eyes as long as I could before they overflowed and fell down my face. I cried for her and I cried for me. Because this is how God made us and because I love these people so much and because this is just so hard sometimes.