Friday, June 17, 2016

Hello there, friend,

Last month, we found out that my husband didn't pass his nursing class. He missed it by one point. And instead of allowing him to retake the class, he was removed from the program. He's no longer in nursing school.

It was shocking, to say the least, but as we unpacked what it meant for us, it was also a relief. He and I have come to realize that all that hard work we were doing, all that striving, was killing us. Our marriage has suffered, and our home life and work life and our personal sanity. We could have kept going if we had to, but at what cost?

So, now, we don't know where we're going. We've spent the last ten years striving toward one goal after another: changing careers, moving back to New York, houses, babies, nursing school. I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes by Rilke:
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” 
Here we are, living the questions. We're living out these things that have happened. We're trying to make the most of it. As we move into this new season, both literally into summer and into the unknown of what's next, I am ready for that slowness and intention that I used to know. I want to stop striving and just live my life. I want to be okay with what I have. I want my heart to swell with gratitude for it all.