Thursday, September 22, 2016

Hello there, friend,

I sat in church the other day and listened to the pastor talk about leaning into difficult relationships. Instead of shirking away from those relationships and those people, we should press in, hang on, live the gospel. I turned to my husband and said, "But what if most of your relationships are difficult ones? What then?"

Later, when we had a chance to talk, I brought it up again. "You're looking at this from your perspective, one where you've been hurt and continue to be hurt by people close to you," he said. "He wasn't talking to you. He was talking to someone like me, where just a relationship or two is hard, not all of them."

When we talk about being enough, it's true. We are enough, just as we are. What we're doing is enough, even if we could do more. Who we're loving is enough, even if we make mistakes. Just being is enough. I tell myself all of this often and try to believe it with all of my heart. But then there are those difficult relationships, lots of them -- ones I've tried fixing, ones that have blindsided me, ones that have left gaping holes in my life. I'm enough, but this part of my life is not. It leaves me feeling broken.

I live in a house with three people I love, living a life I chose, making strides every day to live my life differently than what I ever knew. I choose every day to look around and find one thing, even just one, that is beautiful and lovely and fills me with gratitude. I write myself love notes; I take photos that my heart sing. And I tuck this enough-ness into my pocket, carry it around with me even when I don't feel it. Because I often don't and I have to believe anyway.